Lunch Drama

(featuring a Lunchables pizza kit)

"Do you want some pizza for lunch?"

"YAAAAYYY!"

"Okay, sit down.  Let me open it for you."

"I can do it, I can do it, I can do it by myself."

"Here, let me show you how to make a pizza."

"NOOOOOOO!  Don't touch it!  Don't touch the pieces!"

"Well honey, this is how you make a pizza.  You get to build it.  Check it out, see?  You put the bread part down here."

"NOOOOOOOO!"

"And then you squeeze on some sauce."

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!  NOOOOOOOO!  What are you doing?  Put it there (back in the box)!  Put it there!"

"Here, why don't you try to squeeze it.  Just a little.  There you go!  Just a little, just a litt- or not.  Here, let's put some of that sauce on the other pieces."

"NOOOOOOOO!  What are you doing???"

"See?  Okay, I'm going to crumble the cheese so you can sprinkle it on your pizzas."

"WHAT?  NOOOO!  Don't touch it!  Leave it there!  I want to eat it!  I DON'T WANT CHEESE  ON THE PIZZA!!!!!"

"Look at this picture on the box.  See?  It's a pizza.  First, you put the sauce on, then you put cheese and pepperoni.  Let me make one to show you. You like pizza.  You'll like this."

(Waving arms frantically in the air.) "NOOOOOOOO!   NOOOOOOOOO!  You ruined all of them!  Mommy, you made a MESS!"

"No babe, I made a pizza."

-m

Rollback Riot

You know you're a frequent Walmart customer when...

After grabbing the receipt at the self-checkout station in Walmart this afternoon, my Bean stood up in the shopping cart and gave me a hug.  Then she looked up at me with huge hazel eyes and said,

"Thanks for shopping at Walmart, Mommy!"

Do the blue employee vests come in size 3T?

-m

Things I Learned Today.

1. My dog can pull wipes out of their container one at a time.

2. One of my cats likes raw hamburger meat.  It doesn't like him back.

3. Hand sanitizer works like magic to get ball point pen ink off of an LCD monitor screen.

-m

Motherhood Is...

...scrubbing the carpet on your hands and knees cleaning up fresh puke while your child (who is just fine now, thankyouverymuch) is running and dancing all around you.  In the nude.

...finding the cat to clean aforementioned substance from his fur.

...enjoying a beer ("Schlitzing it up", as the husband recently called it) at the close of an eventful evening.

So Suck It.

My baby is officially five weeks old now, but I started writing about this experience a few weeks ago and it still makes me laugh...

Today my son is two weeks old, which means that for two weeks I've been in mommy bliss.  Really.  This kid is spoiling me with his laid back personality.  It also means that since I haven't been able to drive for two weeks that I've had a touch of cabin fever.  I probably agreed a little to jubilantly when the husband suggested a quick trip to Home Depot after dinner tonight.

I have no problem taking my two-week old out in public.  I "wore" him with a wrap that one of my friends made for me, so he was riding (snoozing) happily right up against me.  People can't randomly touch him when he's all wrapped up on me.  (At least not while exhibiting socially acceptable behavior.)  Besides, it's perfect for random kisses on his little head, which happened approximately every twenty seconds.

In the checkout line, the woman behind us asked how old my baby was.  I answered and instead of the usual "awwww" that we'd been getting all evening, she said a quick, "hmm."  Then she pursed her lips and started down her nose at me.  And my family.  There was a lot of uncomfortable weight shifting until we finished at the register.

As we strolled out to the car, I told my husband, "I think I was just silently judged."  He replied, while glancing back, "Yes, yes you were."

Happy Day.

There are a lot of definitions for "mother."  Here is part of dictionary.com's listing:

moth·er   [muhth-er] 

–noun

1. a female parent.
2. (often initial capital letter) one's female parent.
3. a mother-in-law, stepmother, or adoptive mother
4. a tern of address for a female parent or a woman having or regarded as having the status, function, or authority of a female parent.
5. a term of familiar address for an old or elderly woman.
6. mother superior
7. a woman exercising control, influence, or authority like that of a mother.
8. the qualities characteristic of a mother, as maternal affection.
9. something or someone that gives rise to or exercises protecting care over something else; origin or source.


I like numbers eight and nine best.  To everyone with the heart of a mom, Happy Mother's Day.

-m

Oh, She's Good.

I was sitting at the computer five minutes ago checking email when the Bean came up to me an wrapped her little arms around one of mine. She nestled her head against my arm and said, "I love you, Mommy.  You're my best friend."

While I was melting into a puddle of goo and basking in the sweetness, she then added, "Can I watch TV?"

-m

Surrendering the Crown

Although two days ago my yard was covered in several inches of snow, today's 70 degree temperatures were absolutely lovely.  I made "picnic lunch by the lake" cut in line before all the errands that had to be run today.  The Bean and I found a sunny patch of grass and stared at the ducks on the lake while eating.  She was casually leaning on my lap and in that moment in time, all was absolutely perfect.

That's about when I realized that I'd created a monster.

The Bean began to dip her PB&J sandwich into ranch dressing.  Oh my.  Now, to be fair, I instilled in her the love of ranch dressing.  Good ranch dressing is the perfect pair for a great many things.  Salads, yes, but also french fries, pizza, tortilla chips, assorted veggies and pretzels.  I brought it along to enhance our carrot sticks and broccoli.  The Bean told me I should dip my pretzel sticks and I eagerly obliged, because yes, that was delicious.  But I draw the line at mixing peanut butter and/or jelly with ranch.

She might outrank me in the Ranch Dressing Lover department.  Well played, wee one.

-m

Dollar Store Adventures

I would just like to inform the lady "in front of me" in line at Dollar Tree that:

- If you are in the general vicinity of the cash registers, it doesn't actually make it clear that you are in fact, in line.

- Browsing the sunglasses rack while in the general vicinity of the cash registers actually makes it look like you are more "still shopping" and less "ready to checkout, therefore standing in line."

So that's why I was standing awkwardly there, trying to figure out just how to get in line behind the person who was putting their 127 individual dollar items on the conveyor.  It's also why I was a little confused/annoyed when our conversation consisted of,

You: "Um, are you with her?" (pointing to person obviously mentioned)

Me: "Uh...no." (furrowed brow)  "Are you in line?"

You: "Um, yes!" (turning to check to make sure you'd seen ALL of the sunglasses choices)

It took a lot for me to not jab you with my $1 pool noodle.

-m

Love Letter/Not-So-Much Letter

Dear Husband,

Thank you for kissing me goodbye every morning.  It may not seem like I notice, but it usually rouses me into enough consciousness to smell your cologne.  It makes me happy.  I love you.

-m


Dear AT&T,

I did not appreciate being woken up by your automated customer satisfaction survey this morning.  Yes, I was pleased with the service I received yesterday but here's a little hint: asking my opinion by interrupting my sleep isn't going to get the most favorable/accurate answers.

-m


Dear Telephone,

Where the hell is the volume control for the answering machine?

-m

A Helpful List for Drivers on Central Expressway

Do use the fastlane for:

-passing on the left
-faster driving (hence "fast"lane)
-going with the speed of traffic


Do not use the fastlane for:

-applying make-up
-shaving
-reading
-enjoying your breakfast
-butt crunches
-texting your friends about The Bachelor
-phoning your friends to tell them you texted them about the Bachelor
-daydreaming about how you are the best match for The Bachelor - if only he knew the real you!
-going under the speed limit
-generally behaving like a giant DeutscheBank
-angering me by doing any of the above

Love,

Klem

(In Your Pants) (Second in the Series)

"Many successes will accompany you this year."
"Be prepared to accept a wondrous opportunity in the days ahead!"

Obviously, my pants are on high alert.

-k

How to make Dinosaur Sugar Cookies

My two-year-old loves dinosaurs.  I know that most kids have a dinosaur phase, but really, this is more of an obsession.  She has several dinosaur encyclopedias and books and an awesome stamp set.  She rearranges all of the big and tiny cheap dinosaur plastic toys every day in the house.  There is always a dinosaur convention in session.  It's been held on the kitchen table, the coffee table, the middle of the kitchen floor, on top of our dog's crate, on the couch cushions, on my body, etc.  It's quite amusing.  She'll help you out with the technicalities if you mistakenly call one of her dinosaurs a "long neck."  Silly you.  It's obviously an Apatosaurus.  "That's not a T-Rex.  It's a Deinonycus."  Or maybe Allosaurus, Parasaurolophus or Ankylosaurus.  Her latest vocabulary wonder is "Archaeopteryx."  This kid scares me.  Seriously.  In a good way.

At any rate, she got an early big sister gift the other day that was a big hit.  Dinosaur cookie cutters.  Awe-some.  We whipped up a batch of cookies right away because it was much more appealing to make a bigger mess of the kitchen than tackle the cleaning up part.  Or mopping.  Ick.  The making cookie process was a bigger hit than the eating of actual cookies.

How to make Dinosaur Sugar Cookies- A Two-Year Old's Perspective

1. Have your mother make a batch of sugar cookies. "Help" dump the ingredients in a bowl. Get VERY EXCITED about making several different colors of cookies. Pay no mind to the stained hands of your mother, who thought about adding color after the dough was finished.

2. Drag your chair to the counter and help push cookie cutters in the dough. Sneak bites of cookie dough. In true baker form, get flour all over your shirt.

3. Name all the dinosaurs. Sneak bites of cookie dough. Point out that your mother broke off T-Rex's midsection. Share the obviously wrecked cookie with your mother.

4. Peer into the oven and wait for the cookies to bake. Toss the dish towels aside so that you get a better view. Put dish towels on dog. Ask to have another bite of cookie dough from the bowl. Share it with the dog.

5. Eat cookies. Name each dinosaur. Dance off your sugar high in the kitchen.

-m

Lent

At my church, the practice of giving something up for Lent is a voluntary decision.  I never really observed it growing up, but have since reconnecting with church after my college organized religion hiatus.  I've always given up Coke, Dr. Pepper and all sugary, carbonated forms of deliciousness.  My body has always been pleasantly surprised come Easter.  Apparently, not enough to actually make me give them up forever.  Life is WAY too short to not enjoy soda.  Not diet.  Not half-ass diet.  And certainly not soda with gimmicky flavors.  Full strength real stuff.  With real sugar if available (shout out, Dublin Dr. Pepper!).

It would be a lot easier to cheat or at least opt out of the soda-drought if not for my husband.  He's all good and determined.  He eats a salad and mixed fruit for lunch.  He can say things like, "I'm just going to have to cut out snacking after dinner."  And he'll actually follow through with it.  He and my conscience mean that in a few weeks I'll be sitting in the hospital with my newborn son, smiling at him and giving him a million kisses and telling him that I'm such a lucky, lucky girl to have two perfect kids.  And ice cold Coke.  And possibly a chocolate bunny.

-m

Open Letter to my Light Balsamic Vinaigrette Dressing Bottle

Dear Bottle of Light Balsamic Vinaigrette Salad Dressing,

I am unimpressed.  I can't comment on your flavor yet, as I've yet to actually taste you, but your packaging and I got off to a rough start.  Your "Easy Open Peel" is mislabeled.  That is, unless by "Easy Open" you mean "This Sticker Will Most Likely Cause Your Fingernail To Bend Backward While Trying To Pry The Corner Up So You May Be Better Off Grabbing A Steak Knife."  As I used the most formal of swears, I realized that the peel indicated that I now needed to "Remove Inner Quality Seal Before Using".  Awesome.  I then unscrewed the cap to reveal the seal with "Lift ‘n’ Peel™" imprinted on it.  Charming.  I lifted.  And lifted.  And tried lifting the other side.  No peeling action.  I gave it several good tries before lifting the tab clean off.  The seal was still firmly on the bottle and I'm quite positive that it was smugly grunting at me, pleased with itself.  A sharp knife stab later and I was finally victorious.  I poured some of your dressing into a container for the husband's lunch and shoved you forcefully back into the fridge door.

Now that the easy part is obviously over, I might consider giving you another try.  Next week.  When my fingernail recovers.

Regards,
-m

Motherhood Is...

...walking through the aisles of Target and suddenly smelling the foul odor coming from your child's diaper, then wondering to yourself if you have another diaper stashed in the car (since you just changed her five minutes ago with the last from your purse) and also if you have any wipes left (since you used three to scrub ketchup and chocolate Frosty off her face after lunch at Wendy's).

...patting yourself on the back for both having a secret diaper crammed in the glove box and using the single last wipe to clean up Diaper Armageddon.

...dodging the glares from people watching you change said D.A. in the backseat of the car and wondering if their stares would be any more hostile if they saw you change her in the trunk, like you have on several occasions.

(In Your Pants)

Tonight's fortune cookies:

"The rainbow's treasures will soon belong to you."
"You desire to discover new frontiers.  It's time to travel."

The Second Chapter

We were thinking it would be awesome to kick off the new blog with some kind of SuperBlogEntry, to set the most awesome(est) tone ever. It was supposed to make me feel all cool and bitchtastic. But honestly, right now I'm down to just settling for the dog to stop trying to steal used tissues from the trashcan. So for now, welcome. It's the least I can do.

We're ba-ack.

-m